Loneliness And Me. My Six No-Fail Technics to Curb Loneliness.

Everyone needs to be alone sometimes. We need the space to hear our own thoughts and process them without anyone’s input or distractions. That is how we can come to the table with an opinion. Because we’ve had the time on our own to form our ideas.

It is undeniable that we were created to be social beings. The Bible confirms that we were not created to do life alone. God Himself is Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He created Adam and said it was not good for man to be alone. There are several accounts in the Word that point to God wanting us to be in fellowship with one another. Matthew 18:20 says “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I with them”. Hebrews 10:24-25 says “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near”.

There are times where you do feel lonely and that is fine. As long as you understand how to work through your emotions in healthy and constructive ways.

I am not proud to say that I’ve experienced loneliness for a long time in my life. However, the story I would like to share today is about the time I had my first child. I was in the UK with my husband. Pregnancy had been pretty much incident-free and we were looking forward to welcoming our boy. We had applied for a visa for my mum to come over and help me for a few months but it was rejected and so she couldn’t make it. I was sad but resolute, I could handle a tiny baby. After all it would only eat, sleep and poop. I would be fine, I convinced myself.

A day after I returned home from the hospital, sisters from church were coming around cooking, cleaning and helping me to bath the baby. Even feeding me. One of my friends helped me shower (I was in pain from the c-section and wanted to just wash down but she came in with her “I am not having it” attitude and got me in the shower).

I was so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and attention. The calls, the spontaneous, generosity of these women. The way they knew what I would need at that very moment, I was baffled and had to accept that indeed there was no way I would have survived without their help. I was definitely never alone, let alone lonely. They came in shifts to help me take care of my baby. I was over the moon and a bit embarrassed wondering how in the world I would ever repay them.

Suddenly one fine day, It all stopped. Nobody came home. The food in the freezer got finished and there were no more groceries. There was no phone call to check on us. The baby’s clothes hadn’t been ironed. I sat one afternoon in our apartment still in my pyjamas with a crying baby in my arms looking around and wondering where everyone was. Of course, I knew they had to get back to their lives and I was grateful for the help but to go from such an intense support to nothing was tough. My husband had also resumed work so there was no one to run to when I wasn’t sure of how to do something. It was scary and I felt lonely because I couldn’t complain or admit that I still needed support. I wanted to be brave and show everyone that I was a good mother.

When my husband would return from work, I would still feel lonely because he would be on the phone or wanting to talk about work, business and not baby and diapers.

An introvert’s account

I am an introvert, so I am not good at picking up the phone and calling friends. One may ask, how can you be an introvert, say you enjoy your own company and yet claim you are lonely?

This is because there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be alone and be content. Spending time to take care of yourself. To read, sleep or think. However, being lonely is a state of mind. It’s how you feel at a certain point in time. So you may be among people and still feel like you cannot connect, you are misunderstood, and isolated. It is linked to feeling inadequate and having low self-esteem.

I put on a brave face with my husband and when anybody would ask, even the health visitors I would be too embarrassed to admit I was hurting. I sat with my loneliness for a long time. Memories of past isolation and pain caught up with me and it developed into PTSD months later. I started hearing voices telling me I was a terrible mother. I coiled even deeper into my shell and wouldn’t communicate with anyone. I felt so inadequate, I thought if I was dead my husband and my boy would be fine without me. I certainly wasn’t a vital part of their lives. It got worse before it got better.

Recovery and Tips

Finally, my spiritual mother confronted me. With her help, I was able to pull through with prayer and counselling. When the feelings of loneliness rears its head remember to:

1. Get help. It really helps to have someone, even if it is just one person you trust. Someone you can share all your fears and anxieties with and they will not judge you.
2. Speak to a therapist or counsellor. If you don’t have someone in your life you can always seek an external person who is professionally trained to equip you with coping technics. There are lots of free resources on this website you can check out.
3. Know your triggers: Write down the signs or emotions you feel when loneliness kicks in. This will help you identify the triggers so you don’t get stuck in the cycle of loneliness.
4. Identify things that make you happy. Find out the things that help you feel understood and connected. Do your best to find time every day to practice those activities. For me, it is writing and gardening. I am not great with verbal communication so putting my thoughts on paper and sharing on social media really helps me feel connected and less lonely. Find ways to practise self-care.
5. You are not alone. Don’t let stigma and shame keep you silent. Follow the Mental Health Foundation’s Instagram page and website for the Mental health awareness week. You’ll find there are lots of people out there who’ve experienced similar things as you and they made it through. You will too.
6. Love yourself. The fact that you are different shouldn’t exclude you. On the contrary your uniqueness is what makes you beautiful. Your child (children), in fact the world is lucky to have you.
7. BONUS TIP: Chronic loneliness. If you are dealing with long term loneliness, the kind that doesn’t go away, talk to your doctor or another health care provider so they can help. If untreated it can put you at great physical and emotional risk.

Taking the time to read this article to the end is a sign you are ready to get help. This is the first step in the right direction. Know that you are not alone, I’ve been there as many others have we can connect and get better together. Comment below and share your story on instagram with hashtags #ivebeenthere and #mentalhealthawarenessweek and also mention @madjsworld and @mentalhealth.